Mirror, Mirror

"It was far easier for you as civilized men to behave like barbarians than it was for them as barbarians to behave like civilized men."

Yesterday as I was traveling home from Tainan there was a transporter accident and I found myself in a mysterious universe where everyone had a goatee, ate only spicy food, and waited patiently at traffic lights.

Recognizing my priceless opportunity, I surfed the net through the ubiquitous Mac OS and downloaded an article from Nativespeaker News Center. It discussed the situation between Taiwan and China in that universe. Due to its historical importance, I have reproduced it in its entirety below:

"Murderous Communist Dictator" Announces Missile Buildup

(Taipei) AP: Hu Jin-tao, whom Taiwan has referred to as a "murderous Communist dictator" and "relentless expansionist madman" today announced that more missiles would be placed opposite Taiwan, further increasing tensions across the Taiwan Strait.

Taiwan, which considers China an expansionist, authoritarian state which has no claim to Taiwan, protested to the UN again over the continuing build up.

Analysts in both Taipei and in Washington, DC worried that the dictator's continued flouting of international norms may lead to war in the Strait. "Despite pragmatic diplomacy from the leadership in Taiwan," said one, "China has continued to refuse to talk to the island, and to enhance its military forces."

Regional leaders, including Prime Minister of Japan Namie Amuro, condemned China's continued missile build up in the strongest possible terms. "It is unacceptable that China unceasingly expands its missile bases, threatening not only democratic Taiwan but the free passage of goods through nearby waters." Most of Japan's oil imports pass near the island of 23 million. South Korea also issued a statement objecting to the build up.

China has claimed Taiwan since 1949, when the Chinese Nationalist Party (KMT) retreated to the island after it lost the Chinese civil war to the Communists. However, postwar treaties make no mention of the final recipient of the island's sovereignty, and legal experts consider China's claims doubtful at best.

Analysts foresaw a grim future for the provocative Hu. "China's belligerent policies, its brutal occupation of Tibet, its claims to islands as far away as the Natunas, and its authoritarian governance have isolated it from world trade networks,"observed Alfred Marshall, a Hong Kong-based securities analyst. "Investors have sent their cash elsewhere. Consequently, Hu is desperate. With his term of office likely to expire soon, as CCP leaders are restless, he could do anything."

After downloading this historical artifact, I quickly located a transporter and returned to my own universe, where I am thankful the world news media aren't nearly so biased.

[Taiwan]